I have struggled for the last few years with my mum... I really have nothing in common with her. I have no real emotion about her at all. I actually call myself "Motherless".
I don't mean to feel this way.. I just can't help it. I am the eldest of 3 kids, 1 younger brother and 1 even younger sister. All my life I have felt that my mum didn't love me as much as she did my siblings. She was never one to sit and hug me or just talk to me. She would take my sister out for drinks to the local coffee shop or for hair and beauty appointments together as she was growing up, she idolised my brother.. he was the apple of her eye! Basically, my mother has openly loved my brother and sister more than she ever did me. I know I sound like a jealous child...
I clearly remember a time that my mum stood there with a skirt of my sisters held up saying "Don't you wish you could fit into this... of course we all know this will never happen!" My sister is 8 years younger than me and was a size 6 at the time.. I was a respectable size 10, not bad for a 20 year old.. yeah my sister at the time was 12 years old. She is not much bigger now.. but hey!!! mum she was 12 years old... she didn't even have hips!!! WTF!!!
When I became pregnant with my now 19 year old daughter.. mum said to me...
"I was the reason that she had to have children and that if it wasn't for me, she would have not had to have children !" WTF !!! what sort of mother says this to their child !!!
As a mum I have deliberatley chosen to take a different path mith my own daughter... I hope she knows how much I love her always...
I can't tell you how many times mum's words have spun around in my head over the last 20 years.... these words have struck me to my inner core... I have felt worthless... unloveable... and basically like I just didn't matter as a person... I hate my mother for those words!! and how they have made me feel.
For the last 5 years (since I began planning my wedding to my amazing husband) I haven't spoken to my mother very much and I really don't see that changing in the near future. My mother didn't want to be involved in helping me with the wedding... well she did when there was anyone else within ear shot (like my father!), but when he wasn't around I would be told things like.. "I have a life you know... I don't sit around waiting for emails or phone calls from you to discuss your wedding plans.. I have far more important things to do with my day!"...
I even remember the stinging comments a few days before my wedding when on the phone she asked me what my dress was like... I remember thinking "Wow! she really does care! as I began to tell her what my dress was like... I heard my Dad say good-bye... then a few seconds later.. the words... "More's the point is it going to look any good!"... Again my mother had stung me with her words!! I wanted to cry and scream.... "Why are you doing this to me???" but I as normal just clamed up and said "You'll have to wait and see on the day, its a surprise!!"
On our wedding day my mother had an argument with the accomodation people about the standard of their room (that she had chosen and booked!!)... She came up to my room 10 minutes before I need to be at the Ceremony... for photo's to be taken and tried to kick my Matron of Honour out of my room, saying she was needed at the ceremony site urgently!
My Dad stopped walking me down the isle half way, so that he could pickup my mother and bring her on the one journey I wanted to make with just my Dad!! (I was very specific about this to both mum and Dad!!!). I proceeded down the isle on my own with mum and Dad following behind... even my walk down the isle was ruined....
She stood right behind the Marriage Celebrant (where during the practice run, the Celebrant had asked no one to stand!!) and talked very loudly on her mobile phone through the whole ceremony, including our vows and bridal kiss!!! OMG!! Could it get any worse....
Yep!! The sight of my mother sitting on a chair legs spread wide sculling our toasting champagne from the bottle... chmpagne dribbling down her face infornt of all the guests!!! While our photographer was trying to take photos' of everyone!!!
How about being heckled during the cake cutting... Hip and shouldering me the following morning in the car park!!! Throwing her suitcase down the stairs of our home in a tantrum... running screaming and sobbing "What did I raise!" up our street in the middle of the night on the night after our wedding!!!
I write all this and I still can't believe that this is my mum... See why I call myself "Motherless!!" it is safer that way....
Neiter my Dad or mum can understand why I choose not to talk to her anymore (or as little as humanly possible... when given a choice...) mostly I am told to talk to her by my Dad... he tries to push a relationship... I have told him some of the things that she has said... she denies it and tells him that I am a liar and can't be trusted!!! He believes her becasue she is his wife... and that's what he does!!
I know that I am broken....I still don't want to talk to my mum... let alone see her... I don't have any feelings for her... least of all the feelings that a daughter is supposed to have about their mother... I have come to realise that while she did all these things to me... there are worse mothers out there!! There are people out there that did not have any parental love at all... At least I had my Dad... and in some really small way my mum did love me... not sure how... but she did love me...
I am coming along with the healing... I have a wonderfully supportive husband. I know now that I am meant to be loved, that I deserve to be loved and that I am a wonderful person... with a big heart and that above all I am not worthless as a person. Through him I have come to know.... I am worthy of all things!!!
I don't know if I will ever be able to forget what she has said and done to me over the years!! To put it all in writing would take up too much space and far to much time than is deserved...
One thing I am sure of..... I am loved unconditionally by my husband and for the first time feel safe.... for that I am eternally grateful!!!
